Accepting, sort of

It’s really weird to acknowledge that I’m not the way I wanted or tried to be. Being straight would just be easier. So naturally that’s what most kids strive for. We want to be normal. We don’t want the extra pain or burden. And for a long time I just thought, “Maaaybe I’m gay. But maybe not.” And even when I came out to the first person, I was trying to say, “I think I’m gay.” No definition. Once I came out to the second person it started feeling more concrete. And I love that.

I love that I can watch The Great Gatsby and realize that I’m majorly crushing on the actress who plays Daisy. I love that I can watch Friends and think Monica is flawless. I love that I have come out to myself enough to not feel so guilty when I look up pictures on the Internet of these women I adore. It’s nice to have that self-trust.

But still I catch myself wondering about my sexual identity. Am I really gay? Or is there just a small part of me that wants to be gay? I fall into bouts where I am left consumed with thoughts that maybe I am selfishly wanting some kind of attention for being abnormal. And I question my whole life.

But then I think back to elementary school. All the girls would ask which boys I liked, which boys I thought were the cutest. I could never give them a response. Not once. I didn’t understand the obsession girls had with talking to the so-called “cute” boys, I didn’t understand how they distinguished which boys were worthy of their attention. I didn’t get why my girl friends would think highly of themselves for getting boys’ phone numbers and texting to add to an endlessly boring conversation. None of the girls would ask me for advice with boys, and I thought it was just because I was awkward. And maybe it was. And then we all got a little bit older, and I still didn’t grab on to what made a boy attractive. Middle school sprung about (the hell that we all know it was) and I started watching as my girl friends would give up anything to be around boys. And I got frustrated trying to figure out what was so cool about a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I don’t think I had started thinking about gay relationships, but at that point I didn’t understand the enthusiasm between heterosexual ones. And sure, it was middle school, where saying “Will you go out with me?” was about as far as anyone got, but still. I couldn’t put the pieces together.

And I started feeling uncomfortable around my friends who were in relationships — no matter how serious — throughout middle and into high school. Even now, a few relationships still strike me — although I think and like to hope that I’ve become more understanding, especially after coming to my own realizations. I’ve been uncomfortable because I haven’t known exactly what I’ve wanted. And I am still somewhat unsure. I know I’m gay. I know I crush on girls and women. I’ve accepted my fancying, I’ve accepted my crushes…I’ve come out to myself, but I have yet to accept all that it comes with.


6 thoughts on “Accepting, sort of

  1. Pingback: Assurance. | Anonymously Gay

  2. After this post specifically, I guess I’m not the only one going through the weird selfdoubt and the affirmation. But reading this somehow gave me some semblance of hope

    • I think it’s just weird that most of us grow up with the assumption that we’re straight — assumed by ourselves and the people around us. Realizing that we’re gay poses the “am I really?” question just because it’s so foreign to correlate it with ourselves. But I can think back to when I was a kid with celebrity crushes and almost all of them were female. It’s little things like that that make me look back and think “Ohhhh.”

      • Oh, I know what you mean. I think back and at times I think I have to somehow re-write my childhood, given the new found selfawareness. Even after coming out to myself and out loud(although that has never gone right for me), there’s always that selfdoubt lingering deep down.

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