I’ve never been as sure as I am today of my sexuality. Thanks to some books I’ve been reading and some stuff I looked up on the Internet last night, I’m just really certain and kind of confident. Which is a really great feeling that I haven’t had associated with sexuality before.
It’s weird how much of a confidant the Internet has become and how much I have used it in my process, given that the Internet is so public and I’m trying to be somewhat private. Weird. Maybe my subconscious did that on purpose.
I think I’ve finally come out to myself. (!!!)
And now that I have, I really want to tell other people. More people. But I’ve learned that the hardest part isn’t really figuring out how each person should be told, but it’s more of a struggle to decide who should be told next. There are some friends I don’t want to tell until I’ve told many more people, because I don’t want them to pity me — which they really can’t if most everyone else close to me knows already. There’s a difference between support and pity. They often go together, which is wrong.
Anyway. The last few months have put some pressure on me to come out to myself. And I wasn’t fully able to, for whatever reason, for a while. But now that I have, it’s just really great. I think about my future wedding as the day I’m going to marry my future wife. I think about relationships in regards to myself as a girlfriend-girlfriend thing. I see TV shows with women I find attractive and I let myself. Even though I posted “Accepting, sort of” only two days ago, I feel completely different about myself. I no longer feel confused or worried that this is all in my head or concerned that selfishness is kicking in. I am so confident in this moment.
I feel liberated.*
*Ironic. I’m out to two people. TWO. Oh, well, I feel good today 🙂