Am I moving on?

I worked all day today and after my break when I was pulling into the back parking lot of the building I started to feel anxious. I quickly scanned the front parking lot to see the silver Dodge I’d recognize in an instant, but from what I saw it looked clear. I entered the building and walked to the front to check back in and noticed the place was pretty packed. I started to feel a sense of urgency and a few seconds later dared to glance at the room. I saw her: my old crush. (She told me a few days ago that she’d be coming in with a group for a meeting, so I was expecting it, thankfully). She looked so elegant. Her hair swept her left shoulder in a graceful fishtail.

I started to panic.

I excused myself to the back and kept busy for a few minutes. Every now and then I’d come back up to the front to exchange something or deliver something…until her group stood up and people began leaving. I hoped she’d come say hello because I want(ed) her. I saw someone coming toward me in my peripheral and looked up.

Even in what I’m pretty sure are her work clothes, she looked cute.

We made typical visiting-my-friend-at-work conversation: the sarcastic “You’re not working hard enough!” type of thing. I started to feel even more pressed when I really didn’t know what to say, so I started talking to my co-worker kind of on the side. It was just kind of uncomfortable because I didn’t know what to say to her (my old crush)…I asked about the meeting, but there really wasn’t a lot to say in the presence of a bunch of people, while I was supposed to at least pretend like I was working. Which is why I talked to my co-worker about work. It was just all very weird for me.

She left after a few minutes, but not before saying that we need to hang out soon after she gets back from her trip in 12 days. Expect another post from me around then.

After she left I started wondering, Am I moving on? Seeing her was intense for me, but actually talking to her was almost boring. Mostly because I was so uncomfortable battling what I wished I could say versus what was in front of me, but still…I was surprised by how calm I kept. Granted, usually when we hang out we just tell stories, and there wasn’t much to say in the middle of my workplace. I don’t know what I expected I’d say, but I just wasn’t expecting this.

I’m glad I knew she was coming tonight, otherwise my face may have reddened, giving me away, or my words would have stuttered or eyes raced. Whatever. Since I knew, I primped my face a little during my break: foundation around my eyebrows and nose, with powder on top, subtly shimmering eyelids, blue-trimmed eyes with full lashes. I didn’t miss my opportunity. I’d been thinking about this encounter sporadically all day. But when it finally happened, it was less fulfilling than I thought it would be. I thought I’d get some affirmation that I was still into her, but I really didn’t get that from our conversation. And it just leaves me wondering — maybe I’m over her.

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