I have two immense fears with coming out, and surprisingly neither of them concern the reaction from my family. My first is of telling one of my closest friends who just may not understand. I don’t think she’s ever known a gay person that wasn’t flamboyantly gay, and I don’t think she was ever taught to accept it. My second fear, naturally, is of telling my crush.
I’ve acknowledged that I still like her. Granted, throughout our friendship I haven’t always felt great — whether because of things she’s said or done — but nonetheless I always feel lucky to be with her, and I long for her when I’m not. It’s an attraction.
Anyway, the past few nights I’ve hardly been able to sleep because I’ve been thinking about her. I know I need to come out to her soon. It’s consuming me.
And my fear is that she’ll crush me. I fear that she’ll say what I don’t want to hear. I know that if there is a relationship it won’t last long — and I don’t want it to, because I do want to be able to move on eventually. I’m just hoping for a short time. A day. I spent a year without her still thinking about her in the back of my head, knowing that there was some unfinished business. I just want one day, someday soon.
I coincidentally came across a column from The New York Times this morning, called An Empty Heart Is One That Can Be Filled by Lily King, and it gave me some hope:
My heart was open, because I had finally let it break.