One day

I have two immense fears with coming out, and surprisingly neither of them concern the reaction from my family. My first is of telling one of my closest friends who just may not understand. I don’t think she’s ever known a gay person that wasn’t flamboyantly gay, and I don’t think she was ever taught to accept it. My second fear, naturally, is of telling my crush.

I’ve acknowledged that I still like her. Granted, throughout our friendship I haven’t always felt great — whether because of things she’s said or done — but nonetheless I always feel lucky to be with her, and I long for her when I’m not. It’s an attraction.

Anyway, the past few nights I’ve hardly been able to sleep because I’ve been thinking about her. I know I need to come out to her soon. It’s consuming me.

And my fear is that she’ll crush me. I fear that she’ll say what I don’t want to hear. I know that if there is a relationship it won’t last long — and I don’t want it to, because I do want to be able to move on eventually. I’m just hoping for a short time. A day. I spent a year without her still thinking about her in the back of my head, knowing that there was some unfinished business. I just want one day, someday soon.

I coincidentally came across a column from The New York Times this morning, called An Empty Heart Is One That Can Be Filled by Lily King, and it gave me some hope:

My heart was open, because I had finally let it break.

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9 thoughts on “One day

  1. Stop torturing yourself. Do it now. Today. What’s the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen now is the worst that could happen later.

    • That’s true. Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately she’s out of town for the next week and a half so I’m going to have to wait a little longer. But I’ll definitely try to do it as soon as I can!

  2. The worst thing she can say is no. Seriously.

    No matter what happens, it’ll be a great story to tell years from now. If she denies you, you won’t be upset forever. It’s easier said than done, so tell her when the time is right for you. Good luck!

  3. Went through a couple of posts that you’ve written.
    Somehow what you’re experiencing right now, just seems hauntingly familiar and similar to my experience in the last one and a half year.
    Do blog about the conclusion you finally decide upon. Might as well take some pointers from you, if possible 😛

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