My friend (the same friend I mentioned in my post “Assurance. Pt II“) and I had a really good time tonight amidst Fourth of July festivities. We drove about 20 minutes away to join in on “one of the biggest Independence Day celebrations in the area”. We weren’t as entertained as the phrase might suggest.
We got down to the event and bought some junk food and walked around awhile. Overwhelmed by the conglomeration of people and sweat, we sat in my car for about an hour until the fireworks started. We had a great conversation just about friends and life. I had so many opportunities to say it…but I let all of them pass. And kicked myself for it.
We decided to be social enough to get out of the car for the fireworks, but we didn’t go very far and left early to beat the traffic. On the drive back I kept telling myself, Come on, just do it. But I didn’t.
The song “Tennis Court” by Lorde came on the radio, and I took that as a sign. When I came out to my first friend (“The best friend“), we were in my car while Lorde’s CD was spinning. Tonight I kept prodding myself, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
We got back to her house and were constantly surrounded by her family members, so I never got the right opportunity. Half an hour later my dad called telling me to come home. She gave me a hug and she and her parents said goodbye, and I thought I was going to have to walk out of her house feeling like a failure. But then, thankfully, she said, “Here, let me walk you out since it’s dark.”
We walked down her insanely long driveway and I knew I was about to do it. I could feel that nervous, anxious rush.
“Oh, I left my bandana in your car,” she said. Perfect.
We got to my car and she retrieved the bandana. “Okay, bye! See you tomorrow.” She gave me another hug.
I opened the car door. “Hey,” I said, somewhat closing the door. “I feel like I should tell you…I’m gay.”
I laughed. “Don’t act surprised! You knew!”
“I–I thought you might be. I hate assuming!”
“I know, me too!” We laughed it off a little.
“I was talking to [our other friend (“The gay friend“)] the other day and we were like, ‘Is she gay?…Maybe?'” She said.
“Haha, she knows!”
“Well she knows, but not like for sure.”
“No, I told her!”
She looked dumbfounded. Our friend had just been teasing her. (Which I secretly love, because I love that she didn’t out me even to someone she knew I trusted.) She laughed.
“I mean, with a lot of the girls we know it’s kind of like: if they don’t ever talk about guys they’re probably not straight,” she said, “And you talk about Idina Menzel a lot.” We both smirked. Idina is gorgeous.
“Haha, well no–I’m in love with Courteney Cox,” I said. We kind of doubled over laughing while I explained my most recent obsession. It’s casual.
“Yeah, I was thinking maybe you were pansexual, or bi…but I didn’t really know,” she said.
She told me how if I ever wanted to talk about anything I’d know where to find her. We made some cliché/awkward remarks (like “Good luck!” “With being gay?”) before I got in the car and she walked back up the driveway. I drove away blasting/belting Frozen‘s “Let It Go”, naturally.
I am so over-the-moon happy right now. Not only did I come out to a close friend, but I didn’t cry while saying it. (Although I did tear up talking about my love for Courteney. Can you blame me?) 🙂
–July 4, 2014