Changed views on coming out

Coming out is hands-down the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not saying it’s easy.

But I think that since I have spent such a long time thinking about coming out, lesbianism, relationships, etc., I no longer fear it as much as I used to. It’s complicated.

I’m still very nervous to tell people. And I think it’s more of my fear of my own emotional reaction, and my fear of tainting a relationship. It’s not so much my fear of their reaction, mostly because I’ve had very positive reactions thus far and I know how to handle it a little better than I used to.

I spoke to someone from that camp I’m going to later this month last night over Skype. I wanted to tell him, because I want to go to this camp out. But I didn’t…but I don’t really know what I was scared of. I can tell by the things we talked about that he wouldn’t have been phased at all, but I still hesitated. Maybe I’ll tell him if we Skype again soon.

But I’m very excited to tell more people. I just want to be out. I just want to be free and liberated and be able to live openly and comfortably. I want to be okay with myself. I want people to understand me. I don’t think lesbianism defines me, so I don’t see coming out as the most pivotal moment of a friendship. I really don’t. Because I think it affects me, not so much the other person. Sure, they become a confidant, but as a friend, they probably already reached that point. It’s something personal that I’m choosing to let them in on, but it’s not something that they should feel burdened by.

It’s my burden. It’s not to share. It’s just something I make people aware of, and in doing so, it lightens.

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