The model crush

If you recall my post “#4: The stranger“, you’ll know that I told my camp instructor that I was gay in an email. She requested some information from the 7 of us in her group, and I mentioned it because it kind of came up. She didn’t reply to that email, but she didn’t reply to anyone’s email from our group for that thread, because she just needed the information. (In short, she wasn’t being rude).

I fell for her when I saw her. And I laughed at myself for it. Here was this person, about 10 years older than me, accomplished, living a great life, and there I was crushing on her. I took it very light-heartedly because I was being so ridiculous and I couldn’t help it. She’s a cool person: she dresses stylishly, adopting a look and owning it, she throws her head back when she laughs and always has a hand in a pocket. Not only does she embrace this awesome look, but she is a very sweet, genuine person. She told us the first day that when she was a student at this camp 10 years ago she was “the shy kid”, the one who sat in the corner by herself and hardly participated. I took reassurance in that. Every time I shied away from being with everyone else or speaking up, instead of being disappointed in myself as I usually am, I told myself that it was okay. She took each of us in the group aside and had a one-on-one conversation, making sure we felt comfortable and asking if we wanted to talk about anything. She’s open-minded and genuinely interested in the well-being of everyone around her. There was one instance where a girl was sitting all by herself, so she went over and talked to her for several minutes, not because she felt like she had to, but because that was the type of person she was.

The last time I spoke to her a couple nights ago I said, “Hey, thanks for sticking out for the shy kid in all of us. I used to be so hella shy.” To which she said, “Hey, and now you’re not anymore!” I kind of looked at her questionably and smirked. “Well, less,” she finished.

She’s sweet, and fun and so real. She’s the person that everyone wants to be. When she speaks, she draws out each word ever so slightly, dragging a person into the depths of her conversation. She is a perfect person.

And while I laugh that I liked her at all, I take comfort in it. My last crush was a terrible person to me about half the time, and she hurt me in ways that I forgave ever too easily. My last crush wasn’t understanding, humble or caring — in any way. This girl from the camp was completely the opposite, which made me love it even more. If I had told her that I liked her, she wouldn’t have closed off to me or ridicule me — she would have been understanding and felt genuinely sorry, because that’s the type of person she is. My old crush would have undoubtedly shut down and maybe even humiliated me in front of other people. And that’s why I’m so relieved.

She’s a good person, she’s true. She has her life put together. She’s welcoming and strong. She’s sensitive and light-hearted, she’s cute.

This is a different crush for me, because I look at it knowing that I can’t ever be with her, but I want someone just like her.


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