Self-reflection

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything because I’ve spent a long time thinking. I’m a thinker. I like to process through things before making any decisions so that I can make sure they’re the right choice. That’s why coming out is particularly hard for me — I don’t want to make the wrong choice: in trusting certain people or in labeling myself before I’m completely confident in the label.

Labeling myself as “lesbian” never felt right. I think I thought the uncertainty was just a part of accepting something of myself that I wasn’t used to keeping in the forefront, however, as I thought about it more, I realized it wasn’t a completely accurate representation of myself.

As of now, I feel like pansexuality is the most accurate way to explain my sexuality. For me, pansexuality is the attraction to people, regardless of gender, based on personality. It’s kind of confusing to explain because everyone is romantically attracted to another person based on their personality — i.e. their likes, their mannerisms, their behavior around you or others — but pansexuality is different (for me) in that the personality trumps the gender, usually. I have a preference for females but am still romantically attracted to other genders occasionally. By “other genders” I mean males or non-binary genders. Pansexuality is further complicated, for me, because since I have not been exposed to people of all genders, I don’t know if I have the potential to be attracted to all genders or only some, therefore being polysexual.

I’ve repeated the phrase “for me” so many times to reinforce the fact that sexuality is different for every person. The way I define any of these terms is specific to myself and my experiences with them. Each person has a different take on it and I do not aim to define sexuality for others.

Further

Sorry to be off the radar for so long. Didn’t have much to say.

But now I do again. It’ll take some explanation:

My sister has always known that I’m a strong supporter of LGBT (or as I now refer to as queer) rights. She knows I’ve never dated any boys and she’s probably a little skeptical seeing that I’m 17 and haven’t shown much interest in dating (boys). She’s smart enough to be questioning about me.

I have a feeling that she knows that the background on my phone is of my celebrity (woman) crush. I have a feeling that she’s seen it when I’ve carelessly flaunted my phone in front of her and that she acknowledged and registered what it meant. I know this because she didn’t ask me about it.

I know she won’t be surprised to find out that I’m gay, but it’s still so unsettling to come out — to anyone. I’m reading an autobiography where the writer is a mostly-closeted lesbian coming out to her brother. Her brother gets kind of upset when she tells him — he supports her fully and loves her nonetheless, but he’s mad that she didn’t tell him sooner, afraid and assuming that he’d be a close-minded bigot unwilling to accept his own sister. I know my sister won’t be confusingly angry about it, so I’m not worried about that. If anything, reading that part of the book last night gave me a little bit of an extra push, extra confidence.

The only hesitance I have with telling my sister is that she is the type of daughter to say, “You should tell Mom and Dad. They won’t care and they’ll be really great about it.” Her relationship with our parents is very different from mine. I’m honestly not as close to them as she is — I don’t tell them the gossip among my friends like she does, I don’t detail my every action of every day like she does. I don’t usually feel like I need to ask Mom and Dad for help, support or advice for every little thing I do. If I need anything, I usually go to my friends first because I can relate better, they understand better. I’m content this way, and that’s fine. But her reaction will undoubtedly be a little pushy — something I don’t want.

* * *

I’ve been having my sister read my college essays as I work through them so that she can offer suggestions. I just finished an essay in which I mentioned “sexuality being questioned”. It’s my way of subtly dropping the bomb without it going off. I take pride in being vague. Who am I referring to when I write about the “questioning” of sexuality, or when I relate it to something “tormenting”? It’s probably me, since it’s my college essay, but I never downright say so. It’s open interpretation. I know that she’ll be smart enough to know it’s me, but I don’t need to deplete all my energy by formally coming out.

Shannon & Seema give me hope

A few weeks ago I posted Dream wedding, crushed. I told my friend (“The lesbian friend”) how upset I was and explained everything, over text.

A few days later she sent me some links to a lesbian-Hindu-Christian wedding. The ladies are Shannon and Seema and they were fortunate enough to find a priest willing to combine the traditions of both families to wed these two women. They both got their dream weddings — Seema a traditional North Indian one, and Shannon a traditional American one, all mixed together.

BuzzFeed documented the story with Shannon’s narration here.

Walking back in

In one of my previous posts I mentioned a friend of mine, “Flannel”. He’s gay, and a week ago we talked about sexuality briefly.

He’s out to all of his friends, his school, but not his family, “obviously,” he said. His main contemplation with coming out revolves around moving into the occupational world in a few years. He’s concerned that he will be denied jobs because he is gay, or get fired if or when employers find out.

He said to me that he’s not sure if he wants to live his adult life openly gay because of this fear.

Continue reading

The model crush

If you recall my post “#4: The stranger“, you’ll know that I told my camp instructor that I was gay in an email. She requested some information from the 7 of us in her group, and I mentioned it because it kind of came up. She didn’t reply to that email, but she didn’t reply to anyone’s email from our group for that thread, because she just needed the information. (In short, she wasn’t being rude).

I fell for her when I saw her. And I laughed at myself for it. Continue reading