Self-reflection

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything because I’ve spent a long time thinking. I’m a thinker. I like to process through things before making any decisions so that I can make sure they’re the right choice. That’s why coming out is particularly hard for me — I don’t want to make the wrong choice: in trusting certain people or in labeling myself before I’m completely confident in the label.

Labeling myself as “lesbian” never felt right. I think I thought the uncertainty was just a part of accepting something of myself that I wasn’t used to keeping in the forefront, however, as I thought about it more, I realized it wasn’t a completely accurate representation of myself.

As of now, I feel like pansexuality is the most accurate way to explain my sexuality. For me, pansexuality is the attraction to people, regardless of gender, based on personality. It’s kind of confusing to explain because everyone is romantically attracted to another person based on their personality — i.e. their likes, their mannerisms, their behavior around you or others — but pansexuality is different (for me) in that the personality trumps the gender, usually. I have a preference for females but am still romantically attracted to other genders occasionally. By “other genders” I mean males or non-binary genders. Pansexuality is further complicated, for me, because since I have not been exposed to people of all genders, I don’t know if I have the potential to be attracted to all genders or only some, therefore being polysexual.

I’ve repeated the phrase “for me” so many times to reinforce the fact that sexuality is different for every person. The way I define any of these terms is specific to myself and my experiences with them. Each person has a different take on it and I do not aim to define sexuality for others.