Self-reflection

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything because I’ve spent a long time thinking. I’m a thinker. I like to process through things before making any decisions so that I can make sure they’re the right choice. That’s why coming out is particularly hard for me — I don’t want to make the wrong choice: in trusting certain people or in labeling myself before I’m completely confident in the label.

Labeling myself as “lesbian” never felt right. I think I thought the uncertainty was just a part of accepting something of myself that I wasn’t used to keeping in the forefront, however, as I thought about it more, I realized it wasn’t a completely accurate representation of myself.

As of now, I feel like pansexuality is the most accurate way to explain my sexuality. For me, pansexuality is the attraction to people, regardless of gender, based on personality. It’s kind of confusing to explain because everyone is romantically attracted to another person based on their personality — i.e. their likes, their mannerisms, their behavior around you or others — but pansexuality is different (for me) in that the personality trumps the gender, usually. I have a preference for females but am still romantically attracted to other genders occasionally. By “other genders” I mean males or non-binary genders. Pansexuality is further complicated, for me, because since I have not been exposed to people of all genders, I don’t know if I have the potential to be attracted to all genders or only some, therefore being polysexual.

I’ve repeated the phrase “for me” so many times to reinforce the fact that sexuality is different for every person. The way I define any of these terms is specific to myself and my experiences with them. Each person has a different take on it and I do not aim to define sexuality for others.

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Religious conflict

Two of my friends just started a GSA at our school. They’ve been encouraging all of their friends to come support, and the turn out for the first couple meetings has been quite great. There are a few (straight) members, however, who feel somewhat uncomfortable being a part of the club because of their religious views.

Yesterday one of these such friends came up to me and asked if I was going to the meeting. I said, “Yeah, you?”

He said something like, “No, probably not. I mean, I love [one of the co-leaders who is one of his closest friends] and I totally support him, but it just feels weird for me to be there…Like, I have a ton of gay friends and I don’t treat them any differently and I want them to be happy, but my personal belief is that marriage is between a man and a woman because it’s been a sacred thing that way, so it’s difficult for me to be part of something where I don’t fully agree with everything going on.” Continue reading

The real sin

My friend pulled up a hilarious SNL favorite called “3-way” featuring Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga with the lyrics “It’s not gay if it’s in a 3-way”. It’s light, it’s funny. Wonderfully entertaining.

“What is this — some gay thing?”

Another kid came up behind us, disapproving of the “gay thing” on the screen, as if it were an uncomfortable sin. And yeah, this kid’s comments really bothered me. But I didn’t say anything, I didn’t get up and leave, because I can’t stop the people who are going to make these comments, and I don’t intend to.

I just intend to one day be comfortable with myself and not care what everyone else thinks.

Continue reading

Further

Sorry to be off the radar for so long. Didn’t have much to say.

But now I do again. It’ll take some explanation:

My sister has always known that I’m a strong supporter of LGBT (or as I now refer to as queer) rights. She knows I’ve never dated any boys and she’s probably a little skeptical seeing that I’m 17 and haven’t shown much interest in dating (boys). She’s smart enough to be questioning about me.

I have a feeling that she knows that the background on my phone is of my celebrity (woman) crush. I have a feeling that she’s seen it when I’ve carelessly flaunted my phone in front of her and that she acknowledged and registered what it meant. I know this because she didn’t ask me about it.

I know she won’t be surprised to find out that I’m gay, but it’s still so unsettling to come out — to anyone. I’m reading an autobiography where the writer is a mostly-closeted lesbian coming out to her brother. Her brother gets kind of upset when she tells him — he supports her fully and loves her nonetheless, but he’s mad that she didn’t tell him sooner, afraid and assuming that he’d be a close-minded bigot unwilling to accept his own sister. I know my sister won’t be confusingly angry about it, so I’m not worried about that. If anything, reading that part of the book last night gave me a little bit of an extra push, extra confidence.

The only hesitance I have with telling my sister is that she is the type of daughter to say, “You should tell Mom and Dad. They won’t care and they’ll be really great about it.” Her relationship with our parents is very different from mine. I’m honestly not as close to them as she is — I don’t tell them the gossip among my friends like she does, I don’t detail my every action of every day like she does. I don’t usually feel like I need to ask Mom and Dad for help, support or advice for every little thing I do. If I need anything, I usually go to my friends first because I can relate better, they understand better. I’m content this way, and that’s fine. But her reaction will undoubtedly be a little pushy — something I don’t want.

* * *

I’ve been having my sister read my college essays as I work through them so that she can offer suggestions. I just finished an essay in which I mentioned “sexuality being questioned”. It’s my way of subtly dropping the bomb without it going off. I take pride in being vague. Who am I referring to when I write about the “questioning” of sexuality, or when I relate it to something “tormenting”? It’s probably me, since it’s my college essay, but I never downright say so. It’s open interpretation. I know that she’ll be smart enough to know it’s me, but I don’t need to deplete all my energy by formally coming out.